Almost everyone with ageing parents knows they should have this conversation. Almost everyone puts it off.

The reasons are understandable. It feels like you're rushing things, or being ghoulish, or pressuring them to confront their mortality. But the consequences of not having it are real. When a parent dies or loses capacity suddenly — which is how it usually happens — the family is left scrambling for information that should have been recorded years earlier.

The right framing

The conversation is not about money or inheritance. It's about making sure that if something happens, the people who care about them know how to help.

A useful opening: "I've been thinking about getting my own affairs sorted, and it made me realise I don't know some basic things about yours. Would you be up for going through it together?"

This works for two reasons. It positions the conversation as mutual rather than interrogatory. And it's honest — most people in their 30s and 40s genuinely haven't sorted their own arrangements.

What you actually need to know

  • Does a will exist? Where is it? Who is the solicitor?
  • Is there an LPA? Property/financial affairs and health/welfare — both are separate
  • Which banks do they use? Account types, rough location
  • What pensions do they have? State pension, workplace pensions, private pensions
  • Life insurance? Provider and policy number
  • Who is the GP? Any significant health conditions, medications, allergies
  • Property details — mortgage (if any), solicitor who handled the purchase
  • Funeral preferences — burial or cremation? Any pre-paid funeral plan?

If they're resistant

"We don't need to worry about that yet." The problem with "yet" is that capacity and health can change rapidly. The OPG reports a significant increase in applications for deputyship orders — expensive court proceedings — often because the LPA conversation was deferred too long.

"It's all fine, it's sorted." Ask whether their children know where things are. In most cases, the answer is no.

Make it collaborative

The most effective versions of this conversation are ones where you do it together. Sitting with your parents and writing things down in one place — even just a notebook — is far more productive than a vague agreement to "sort it out."

The real gift of this conversation is not the information itself — it's that your parents know someone is thinking about their wellbeing, and that their family won't be left in chaos if something goes wrong.